eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
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