Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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