You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
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