So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
Randomize
