I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize