Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
