i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
All I'm saying is that she needs to invest in some razors. But her head game is great. The pros and cons in last minute hook-ups
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
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