Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Ben's a prick.
What Ben are you talking about?
All the bens across all the lands
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
Randomize
