I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
someone owes me an orgasm
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
Randomize
