Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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