I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
i've created a new STD.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
Randomize
