Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize