I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Randomize
