Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
