When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
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