everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
