you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
