Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Who put my cat in the fridge?
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Randomize
