I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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