May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
Randomize
