new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
I miss vodka workout Fridays
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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