I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
