Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Randomize
