Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
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