Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
So squirting runs in the family.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
Dicks are not precious.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
Randomize
