based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
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