I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
This toilet bowl is my home.
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