Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
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