you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Just pee around me
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
Randomize
