Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
stop calling my apartment porn island.
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
Randomize
