I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Randomize
