Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
Randomize
