i need an iv and a liver transplant
Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
Randomize
