Yo dont text me then not text me
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Randomize