Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
all I know is if I don't watch spice world right now there will be a firefight.
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
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