She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
