We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
I had to cum in my sink.
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