Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Randomize
