And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
My apartment stinks of burning failure
Randomize
