Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
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