her vagina looked like bernie madoff
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
How does it feel to date your dad?
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Randomize
