So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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