be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
Randomize
