if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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