Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
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