she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
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