i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
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