I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Randomize
