Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
