dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
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