All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
