Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
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