is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
