i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
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