The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
