My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Randomize
