I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
What the hell do you do when your fuck buddy leaves to go for a piss naked and 20 minutes later hasn't come back and can't be found anywhere in the house or outside but has left his phone, tee shirt and shoes in your bedroom.
I don't think there is a pre defined social etiquette for a lost naked fuck buddy now roaming the streets.
Randomize
