I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize