Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
Who died my cat blue again?
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
