my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
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