i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina"
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
