Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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