You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
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