You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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