I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Randomize
