I have no idea what her name is. I only remember putting my dick between her ass cheeks.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
Randomize
